blackholesun T-0: sega.
so it begins.

song: marion black - who knows
"who knows what tomorrow will bring..."

today is officially my last class and the world is officially a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book.

The story is like this.
Colin, 23 year old Filipino male has struggled worked coasted through four years of university life.
Could he have gone back, he for sure would have tried harder, studied longer, and devoted more time to his craft.

Fact is, history is written, and you can't rewrite it, you can only create it.

So, here Colin stands, wondering whether or not to take this job offered to him, on a floor that he enjoys and can handle despite its major difficulty and patient load.
OR...
if he should suspend the job offer and turn it into a future consideration for December, after he comes back from his trip to Asia with his beautiful girlfriend, and two homies jay and boss chua, which will happen after he works his sixth year at OCWA and quits mexx at Sherway Gardens.

I hold my own fate in my hands, like you hold your member in yours and frankly I'm at the crossroads. (so you won't be lonely...meet you...)

ah, but there's just so much to do and I would truly love a break, to enjoy one last summer before officially becoming one with the working world.

oh yeah.
this is the last entry.

follow me at handsomeboygrad.blogspot.

blackholesun t-1:this is it

ventured and accomplished my last day at school.
it ended like this:

- dropped by george brown college (my first/home school) to deliver my final evaluation to the 7th floor.
- joined a conversation in regards to the need for 2-ply tissue in the communal washroom on the 7th floor with the clerks that were at the desk (both guys)
- walked past my formerly favourite hangout, the old Goodwill site on Adelaide Street. It was a place where I could pick up a good book, search for an old record in the "Buy the Pound" store, or pick up electronic goods at the "Final Sale" store. Yes, there were 3 different stores, all in one centralized place.

- the journey continued up Jarvis Street, as I walked up towards Ryerson, taking in the sights and sounds of Toronto life.

- at Ryerson's Business building was next as I stepped into my final class EVER. There wasn't much of a turn out and I did get my participation paper back. (B!)
- The movie I walked into late, was tied in everything that we had learned in the class, and featured a homeless man who suffered from Schizophrenia. He played pipes on the street and wrote very good poetry. Of note, this guy hangs out with THE Leonard Cohen, songwriter and poet extraordinaire. It was a great film to see, and showcased mental illness and the heart of Montreal's art culture.

- Class dismissed and on to the elevator, where my nursing friend Mary Ann comments that it's sad that everything is over. While another nursing friend, Amanda is just glad to be out.
- I will also take this time to thank Mary Ann for lending me and my group last semester, her memory key, with which we would have not been able to present our facilitation.

- I take off from Rye High and make my way to Union Station, The Bangles' 'Walk Like an Egyptian' playing in my minidisc player.

That's it.
School est fini.

blackholesun02: t-6-5-4-3-2

so i missed a few days.
not that it mattered.

an end is an end is an ending.
the end is inevitable whether you start a project and decide not to follow through, or if you've followed through.

however, with every end is a beginning.

so don't fret.
time to blog for frodo bloggins sake.

my name is colin generao.

colin...
"thinks babies are precious"
...
"loves to throw shit into the fan"
...
"stubborn"
...
"genius"

that's me.

I make no bones about it.

i don't need people to make excuses for me, i can make them myself.
do i care what others think?
not a whole lot.
I don't care if i sell people out, bail on them, don't attend things, or follow blindly like a lamb to the slaughter.

i just don't give a damn.

i care about things that matter to me.
fuck the news
fuck parties.
fuck the flavor of hazelnuts
fuck mtv.

this is me. honest and truthful.
i say that when i fight, i'm relentless, i am not joking or just being boastful.
its truth.

that was a fun rant. seemed like it was going somewhere, but it wasn't.

blackholesunT-7. so it begins.

T minus 7.

shout it loud.
let it whimper.

take notice, i'm moving to handsomeboygrad since I'm finishing school soon, for those that care.

My blog has been a place for me to vent, not to share heart felt stories. I enjoyed hearing my own voice put into words, and dropping the occasional playlist.

so, for those that would love to hear how I cope with life after graduation, follow me there. A former student nurse, who is fighting for a job, even though he isn't, and is looking forward to his trip to Asia. However, in the mean time, that's T-7 days, join me here.

If you're reading this message post haste, I'm too smart a villain to inform people of my plans before I hatch them, I just do it.

so sayeth ravenloft.

madre et padre
hay justo tan muchas razones por las que amaría trasladarme a España. pero para ser sucinto, quisiera vivir allí apenas así que puedo gozar de la vista de azoteas, vía la azotea de mi hogar español. miraba una demostración llamada House Hunters y este individuo español extraño planeaba en comprar un lugar allí basado en la vida del club. acabo de desear vivir allí, porque su algo diferente. es el gran ser un comodín.

blood on the dance floor, coffee table, white sweater and bathroom sink



it all begins with an itch.
it could be allergies (it usually is) or it just could be an itchy nose.

i raise my right arm to the base of my nose and begin to rub.
rub profusely with my forearm, the motion being like i'm trying to blow up the Hindenburg with a bike pump.

then it starts.

blood vessels burst and skin breaks. (there are a lot of vessels in the nose region)

the blood gushes and the flow doesn't quit.
its like a period coming from my nose, i need a maxipad stat.

of course they don't make those (and i don't use them)and i don't have any packing that they would use at hospitals or at boxing matches, so i use as much klenex or bathroom paper as i can find.

i've been known to use harsh restaurant napkins which only aggrivate the bleed, but man, i'm desparate.

the bleeding gets so bad that if i were to smile the blood stains my teeth and it looks as if i've been in a helluva fight.

so what do i do to stop this you may ask?

well i blow my nose until i believe a significant amount of blood has been excursed.
then i try to clot it with rolled up tissues that i stuff in my nose. prn (p.r.n. = when necessary (from "pro re nata," for an occasion that has arisen, as circumstances require, as needed)

the tissues usually work when i pull the tissue out and you get that nice clot formed.
its gross, but that's when yo know the event has passed.

is there cause to be concerned for a repeat?
of course.
any further damage will only lead to more bleeding.

i say take a shower.
let the hot water clean you as you drip drip drip into the drain.
then turn on the cold as you must begin the clotting process.



no need to get all dmx 'flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood' here.
just wash, clot and get out.

hell if you don't like my advice you can always use Footloose's.


"Pinch your nose closed and lean forward. If it doesn't stop in 5 minutes, pack your nose with gauze and pinch it closed for ten more minutes. If its still bleeding, then see a doctor"

see it here



that's that.

and knowing is half the battle.

yo joe.

show mr smith throwing copper

true music (and more) on the go.

i remember always wanting to have everything with me when i travel.
travel meaning to the mall, to school, the moon etc.

i would design what i believed to be the ultimate hooded sweatshirt that would accent my cargo pants[4 pockets/4 cargo pockets]. (that could also be changed into shorts via zipper)

this hooded sweatshirt would include space for my (at the time) CD player, bottle of pop, camera, lining for my headphones, and a place to put my house keys. Of course on the sleeve there was a place to put my lighter (i don't smoke but at the time i figured having a lighter on me would be good for conversation with girls who smoked)

so, back in the day i 'designed' a hoodie that would totally rule.

(i found this picture while cleaning my room and sorting through old files)

look at that.


it was important for me to have my CD player and camera.

as well as my 3 favourite CDs of the time.

of note, the bottle in the arm was just something I personally did. (hard to explain but i'll give it a shot.) I woudl often place my bottle of water in my sleeve just so i wouldn't have to carry it. (there, that wasn't so difficult.)

now forget that dream as it has been realised.
scottevest's ultimate hoodie

what they have created is totally amazing.
there's a better version of my hoodie, as well as a leather jacket, vest and t-shirt, depending on what you'd like to bring.


This Ultimate Hoodie features 6 pockets (hidden pocket, key holder, place for batteries, camera, and music player.

for those fashionistas.
here's the Milan.


I would seriously purchase one if I had the extra dollars.

toilet and the light green garbage can
There are lots of great things I love about Filipinos.

I like how family gathers together during times of crisis. Often resulting in blackballing those that didn't help. (temporarily of course)
Sticking with this family first mentality, its always nice to know that no matter what family will be there for you when you need room and board, or when you've fucked up.
Filipinos also take great pride when another Filipino has done well for themselves.
Be proud of Manny Pacquiao, Dave Bautista, and apl.de.ap of the Black Eyed Peas.
We also turn away in shame to the names of Foxy Brown, Imeda Marcos, and Eduardo Toribio (coach of the ringer Little League baseball team), and heck to any Filipinos who just aren't proud to be.

Take in mind I'm proud to be Filipino.
I am not 35% Chinese, 30% Italian, 10% South African, 7% Thai, and 3% Kryptonian.
I'm a Filipino.
My parents were born in the Philippines and I happen to be born in Canada.
I'm still proud.
Not Nazi proud, but just proud to be a part of a great culture. (that does have its bad traits.)

Now let's look to something good.

I remember on my dad's birthday, he had a truck load of friends watching the fight, and although many of them were not boxing fans, they were captivated by each bone crushing punch that the Pac man threw (and he threw quite a ton), as they cheered their hero (sporting brands a plenty on his trunks) on.

A majority of Filipinos are hard workers and can be found toiling it out to the best of their abilities in retail, fast food and nursing.

Besides good sweet tasty foods, beautiful ladies and diligent workers, the Filipinos have a lot to be proud of.

But most of all, I think I enjoy the sense of community.
Yes, for every FST fuckup, brand monger, 'pound for pound' believer, prego kid, artie individual (really dramatic), and idealistic churchgoer, there are really great people out there doing their thing.

for those that [rock]

we salute you.

looking forward to the trip.

vase and candy jar

sorry folks, but i'm too sick to give any real thought into my characteristics i hate about filipinos.

to top this sickness off, i've also been coughing up an asthma storm. let the good times roll.

ha, the night is probably over, but in celebration of my homies, jay et james.
playlist of the partyboys.
1. epmd - da joint
2. foxy brown - oh yeah
3. busta rhymes - bounce
4. d'angelo - left and right
5. rick james - mary jane (lantern mix)
6. wu tang clan - can it be so simple
7. big pun - twinz
8. the roots - the next movement
9. big l - flambouyant (j dilla mix)
10. jay dee - two can win
11. bonus track: joan jett - do you want to touch me (oh yeah!)

playlist of the partyboys extended mix new jack style
12. tony toni tone - if i had no loot
13. guy - groove me
14. tevin campbell - can we talk
15 bell biv devoe - poison
16. color me badd - all 4 love
17. heavy d and the boyz - now that we've found love
18 ralph tresvant - sensitivity
19. boyz II men - motownphilly
20. johnny kemp - just got paid
21. mary j blige - real love
22. hi five - just another girlfriend
23. abc - iesha
24. shanice - i love your smile
25. al b sure - nite and day

end post.
lots of homework to finish off for tomorrow.
maybe i'll revampt this whole things i dislike about filipinos business, i mean i didn't even get to the 'ma-artie' types.

man that joan jett song is fun.

the churchgoer.
[because everyone loves these: i'm a Catholic. I'm filipino. I believe in God the Father Almighty. I'm a sinner. I revel in sins. I'm no better than any other. At times I'm sure I can rationalize that I am. Anyhow this is about the mask of religion and the whole post-mortim of "he was a good boy/girl..." that you'll hear after a filipino teen was killed or impregnated.]

"Going to church no more makes you a christian than sleeping in your garage makes you a car." Garrison Keiler
filipinos are devoutly Catholic (majority) and are raised as such.

let's take it back. back into time. (cue teddy riley: "oh baby oh baby oh baby!")

The predominant form of Catholic Christian faith implanted in the Philippines by the Spanish colonialists was characterized by deep conviction and an eminently public character as well as by clericalism and intolerance of Spanish Catholic Christianity.
Colonialism Gotta Love It.
Filipino Catholic Christianity was a colonial derivative of its Spanish model, precisely as colonial as it was further altered by the removal of patriotism, found in the autonomous Catholic Christianity of Spain.
Now, this shebang of social domestication of Catholic Christianity in the Philippines was cultivated in the service of colonization by most of the Spanish colonialist civil and religious authorities, especially in the later periods of the Spanish colonialist regime.
During the United States colonialist regime and well into the 1950s and how it reinforced the erosion, in the vast majority of Catholic Christians, of the consciousness and practice of the public character of their Catholic Christian faith.
It was during this time that the predominant form of Catholic Christianity narrowed its focus to doctrinal correctness, private morality, religious ritual and defense of the directly institutional interests of the Church, and for a long time overlooked the consequences of Catholic Christian faith for social structures, such as the economic, political and cultural systems of the Philippines and of the world
The predominant form of Catholic Christian faith in the Philippines—privatistic, ritualistic and primarily concerned with institutional interests—has been an obstacle to social development. Some 85% of Filipino Catholic Christians still have this privatistic form of faith. Its poisonous effect has been reinforced by cultural factors and certain significant historical events that marginalized socially wholesome forms of Catholic Christianity from public life.

Appendix removal part 1.

The pregnant filipino.

I don't know if it was just me, but there are a lot of pregnant filipinas out there.
Through the 'chismis' grapevine also known as parents gossiping at family parties or any gathering, you can hear which girl has become pregnant and how sad it is for their family.

It’s almost impossible to separate private and public nowadays.

"they're such a good family".

aww poor family.

boo fucking hoo.

the family goes to church and did not deserve this.
(whatever)
no matter how great god is, he's made sure that we his creations are pretty damn independent beings capable of our own actions and should thus be fulling accepting of the concequences not just to ourselves but to those that we call family or friends.

Quick let us do an unscientific study.
Think about all the young unmarried teen Filipinas you know or have known and do a quick count.
Off the top of me noggin, I know of at least 6 or 7.
Attend a Filipino basketball game or a church gathering and you can probably find a lot more.

Does it suck that a kid is bearing a kid? Yes.
Should I feel sorry for this kid? Nope. No one forced those legs open. (well unless it was rape, but we’re talking about consensual sex here)
How about for their family? Naw.

Choices are ours to make people. Hence, the whole root of the word, ‘choice’.
Ah, but this is a different matter entirely.

The churchgoing Filipino may belong to a church group.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with that. If you’ve joined with the right intentions.

However, if you’ve joined just to pick up girls and party, well, something just isn’t right.
The group should not be about reviving Sodom and Gamora, it should be about enriching the spirit with other like minded individuals (usually of the same age group).

When it starts to become a big joint smoking, beer guzzling, pick up party, under the guise that God rocks, then I have to draw the line.

I remember someone’s big selling point to me, “Yo, guy join, there’s gonna be a lot of girls there.”

Okay, I take my faith a bit more seriously than that. I may not go to church so often, but when I do it is with good intentions. Not under false pretense.

"Every day, people are straying away from the church and going back to God." Lenny Bruce

All I can really say is just try to keep the faith and good things will happen.
Don’t expect them to. Just be thankful when they do.